This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
James Carson, a 35-year-old Sleep fan from Youngstown, OH, has been removed from the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame after a loud, 10-hour protest in which he single-handedly and repeatedly explained why he believes Sleep should be prominently featured in the hall.
The incident started around 10:30 AM yesterday, soon after the museum opened to the public. Witnesses say they saw Carson run through the entire museum twice in that time period, despite smelling heavily of marijuana and simultaneously eating a family sized bag of potato chips.
After learning from a staff member that Sleep is not in the Hall of Fame, Carson began his protest.
“I dug my Volume 1 shirt out this morning because I wanted everyone to know I was serious,” Carson told a local reporter. “Obviously, that same level of care and attention to detail isn’t shared by my so-called fellow rock fans. All I see around here are AC/DC shirts and Iron Maiden shirts. Bunch of posers. At least throw on an OM.”
At one point, the museum’s team tried to reason with him, but that only made him louder. “OK, let me get something straight,” a bystander recorded him saying. “You’ve got this album about a bunch of cool people smoking weed in the desert and you don’t want to preserve that? That’s not something beautiful to you? Seriously?
“They should have a case of robes and astronaut suits in here honoring this great band. They’ve got an entire case for Seattle and Grunge of all things. You mention Liverpool by name, but you’re not even going to spell out San Jose and Sleep? If they can have a bunch of Taylor Swift costumes on the wall, shouldn’t they have a couple of space suits as well?”
After slipping away from staff members, Carson was spotted hanging a Dopesmoker poster near the Elvis exhibit saying, “This dude really was nothing but a hound dog. Matt Pike is the real king—of drugs and Rock.”
Eventually, Carson was found walking in circles on the the sixth and final floor of the Hall of Fame, shuffling between the last four exhibits and mumbling, “None of these are Sleep! None of these are Sleep!”
As he was being dragged down the stairs, he managed to shout the following to a nearby reporter: “They say this is the last floor and you should head out after your reach it, but I’m certain there must be another exhibit or something they’re hiding. They say they’re all about the history of Rock ‘n’ Roll, but they’re completely ignoring the three most important rockers of all time: Matt Pike, Al Cisneros, and Chris Hakius. Oh, and Jason Roeder! And Justin Marler!”
“I’m coming back next week,” he shouted as they dragged him out of the building, “and I’m bringing my own display case to leave in the aisle between the Grunge and Heavy Metal cases. If they don’t want to talk about Sleep, maybe they’ll be OK showing people Sleep.”
This article is satire.
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