This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
Matt Pike and Jeff Matz have been busy auctioning off bits of their collective rock history to benefit earthquake relief efforts in Turkey and Syria (that part’s actually true). Items ranging from High on Fire test pressings to concert posters, fuzz pedals, and signed memorabilia have gone for hundreds and hundreds of dollars.
One item has captured the attention of fans more than any other. Of course, we are talking about the infamous shirt that Matt Pike has worn on stage countless times for decades. Hundreds of Sleep and High on Fire fanatics joined the auction bidding frenzy to get their hands on a piece of Stoner Metal history. The bidding started at $200 and quickly increased into the thousands within just a few hours.
The final bid was placed by super fan @MattPikesThirdNip420 for just over $5k. When asked why he decided to pay so much for such an item, the highest bidder responded, “Opportunities like this don’t come along every day. What would you give to be able to go back and get Tony Iommi’s finger nubs? Or Bobby Liebling’s urine-soaked underwear? I live for this kind of stuff. I once tried to buy a chunk of andouille sausage that fell out of Kirk Windstein’s beard”.
Now the proud owner of the authentic stage shirt, the recipient has expressed some concern over counterfeits appearing online now that the item has received $5k publicly. “I’ve already started seeing cheap knock-offs online,” the item winner stated. “It’s really sad these kinds of people are out there just trying to take money from hard-working fans. I’m not in it for the money. I’m wearing this fucking thing everywhere!”
The success of this particular auction has sparked several other almost well-known musicians to try and offer some interesting items to benefit a worthy cause. Red Fang bass player, Aaron Beam, has put up a pair of his thick-ass glasses. Buzz Osborne, founder of legendary Melvins, has offered up one, long, curly white hair… we’re assuming (and hoping) it’s from his head. And long-time Matt Pike friend and collaborator (and Mastodon guitarist/vocalist), Brent Hinds, has offered to come to your house and kick you in the nuts. Opening bid is reported to begin at $500.
Ok, but seriously, while maybe Matt Pike’s “shirt” was just supposed to be funny, Matt and Jeff really have been busy auctioning off items for earthquake relief in Turkey and Syria. Head over to their Instagram profiles and help support a good cause while grabbing some seriously rad items from the two legends. You can also donate here: https://ahbap.org/
This article is satire.