This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
A local Stoner Doom band’s bass player requires surgery after holding his stank face for a full three-hour set, the band reported in a recent Facebook post.
“After holding his stank face for just over three hours,” the band wrote, “Dave ‘Drop D’ Philander’s face became locked into position. We rushed him to the ER after the show, but they were unable to return him to his usual ugly mug. They say he requires surgery.”
“I was just really feeling the music,” Dave said in a comment. “The riff came back, but slower, and it was just so mean and dirty, I was just matching the energy. I had no idea something like this could happen. It’s like when your mom used to tell you not to make faces as a child. I guess she was right.”
“Some of the muscles in his face atrophied,” ER physician Dr. Franklin Ramos said during a phone interview with Slightly Riffed. “Drinking 13 beers during the set didn’t help either. The alcohol led to dehydration, which froze the muscles he was using while making his… stank face. We actually see this happen a few times every year, though we usually see our biggest influx when the Doomed & Stoned festival comes through town.”
Unfortunately, repairing Dave’s face will be costly, and he doesn’t have health insurance.
“We obviously don’t provide workers comp,” the band wrote in their post, “but since this was a tour-related injury, we’re trying to dip into our sales on vinyl and CDs from the last leg of the tour. Please consider buying more stuff from our Bandcamp page, or donate to our GoFundMe linked below.”
Perhaps if the band had played a shorter set, this could have been avoided. At least, that’s what his band members believe. “I think it was the encore that did him in,” lead singer Jeremy Saunders told Slightly Riffed in an email. “We never should have played that 60-minute cover of Ed Sheeran ironically; we never thought it would hurt anyone!”
Tragically, Dave’s locked stank face has interfered with his relationships with family and friends. “My wife won’t get undressed in front of me anymore because I make her feel insecure,” Dave told Slightly Riffed. “And my daughter has refused to cook dinner because it looks like I hate every bite. And my boss is on my back about improving my attitude at work, but I’ve been perfectly polite!”
Dave isn’t alone in his struggle. As Dr. Ramos alluded, studies show that every year, 157 metalheads visit the emergency room immediately after a concert specifically for stank face—and 231 metalheads visit the ER each year because their hand is locked into the sign of the horns.
You can help Dave by donating to his GoFundMe, and you can donate to the Stank Face Foundation to help metalheads receive medical treatment while researchers look for a cure.
This post is satire.