This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
In the world of Stoner Rock, bands often hit the road, traveling from one gig to another in well-worn vans filled with gear, fans, weed, booze and, yes, occasionally an unforgettable odor. We’re taking a look at the top 10 Stoner Rock bands, ranked not for their musical prowess, but by how bad their tour van most likely reeks, based on how “rank” they probably are.
Top 10 Stoner Rock Bands Ranked by How Bad Their Van Probably Reeks
- Sasquatch: Remember that line in Anchorman… “It smells like Big Foot’s dick!”? Well, fun fact, that was originally about Sasquatch’s tour van. If “dive-bar” was a cologne, Sasquatch would be their spokesmen. The scent would be a mix of cheap lager, a chewing tobacco spit cup, mystery meat from an unnamed fast-food drive through, and all presented in a broken whiskey bottle.
- Electric Wizard: I get the feeling that maybe Electric Wizard just fundamentally doesn’t believe in showers or something. They probably have some sort of manifesto written that outlines how showers were invented by an oppressive government to hold people down and in order to restore order to the world, they will not be taking showers anymore.
- Truckfighters: If you have ever seen Truckfighters live, you know how much energy they expend during their set. Unfortunately, I’m guessing deodorant, or shirts for that matter, are not a common find inside their tour van. I’m willing to bet that everything in the van has a layer of sweat on it, and would love to see what has started growing in there now.
- Crowbar: I imagine Crowbar’s van could be confused for an ancient tomb filled with rotting mummies, but it’s just the stench of a thousand sweaty gig t-shirts, wet cigarette butts, and whiskey soaked beard hairs. However, Crowbar seems like the type of band that is oddly proud of the smell, so… congrats, I guess?
- Stöner: Legend has it that Brant Bjork and Ryan Güt travel with a separate van just for all of their sweaty tie-dye headbands after gigs. True or not, these stoners roam the desert with a miasma of funkiness that includes so much more than just their music. Straight out of a cartoon, I imagine a green cloud following them from town to town like a marsh gas.
- Bongzilla: Bongzilla’s van smells like an apothecary’s dream turned nightmare. It’s the perfect place for herbal aficionados but can be overpowering for others. How many times a day do you think the bong water spills? And more importantly, how many times do you think its properly cleaned up? The upholstery looks like some moldy Swiss cheese with all of the burn marks from dropped joints, and it smells like it too.
- Melvins: Melvins are too weird of a band to have the typical weed and body odor scent. This is something else. Their van smells like a mix of burning incense, damp socks, and an abandoned box of Pad Thai… but that’s still not weird enough. It’s a peculiar fusion that only Melvins enthusiasts can appreciate. I imagine a couple random fish heads, dog food (but no dog), one old boot, and an open tin can with a mystery substance inside.
- Black Sabbath: Let’s be honest, Sabbath hasn’t toured in a van since the late 60’s, but I’m guessing it was a special kind of stench back then. The Sabbath van is a mobile tribute to odor, mixing the scents of road-worn band members (and non-band members, if you know what I mean, wink-wink), amplifier tubes, and an assortment of empty bottles and fast-food wrappers. Their loyal roadies deserve medals of valor.
- Red Fang: Red Fang’s van most likely has an odor that can best be described as a rollercoaster of sensory experiences. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is so potent that it has developed a cult following of its own among Stoner Rock enthusiasts. If the Red Fang music videos are any indication, spilled PBR, beard sweat and cigarettes mix to make something that is totally unique to Red Fang and their van.
- Sleep: Unsurprisingly, Sleep secures the top spot. Their van is so pungent that I’m told fans have been known to pass out upon entering. A cloud of smoke pours out of the windows, but the smell is engrained deep into the fibers of the upholstery. Take this and mix it with the sweat of a shirtless Matt Pike laying down in the back, and the week old cheeseburger stuck in Al Cisneros’s beard hair and you have a formula for an aromatic disaster.
While these Stoner Rock bands may not win any air freshener endorsement deals, they certainly make up for it with their groovy tunes and dedicated fans. After all, it’s not the smell but the music that truly matters in the world of Stoner Rock. And to those of you that just don’t give a shit… we salute you.
Do you or a band you know have a smellier van? Let us know in the comments!
This post is satire.