This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
The doors opened around 6:00—or maybe it was 7:00—at the Roseland Theater in Portland, OR. Whatever time it was, as I stumbled in, I burped up the stale taste of PBR and Camel Lights and beelined to the nearest bar in the venue. Nothing goes with a rock show like cheap tallboys and Jägerbomb. I had made it to the Clutch show, and I was ready to go!
Behind me, JD Pinkus was wrapping up his set, playing the banjo or ukulele or something. As I dribbled a little beer down my shirt I made the hilarious joke, “Play ‘Freebird!’” I was pretty sure people thought I was the funniest guy at the show.
I tried to make my way to the men’s restroom and made another hilarious joke about how it was “time to break the seal!” Some dick totally spilled beer on my Chuck Taylors, and it definitely wasn’t my fault. No way. Not at all. The line at the restroom was long, but I stood next to a guy in a Toadies shirt and basically sang him the first three minutes of “Possum Kingdom” and he was totally impressed.
As the next band—Quicksand, or Quicksilver, or Sand Castle or something—started, I decided to go out for a smoke. I ran out around 4 o’clock today, so I borrowed one from a guy on the sidewalk, and another from some young girl with tattoos and purple hair. I told her she smelled nice but for some reason she immediately put her cigarette out and went inside. I tried to find her again later but no luck.
I bought a taco from a man with a cart on the street. It might have been the greatest taco I have ever had in my life. Unfortunately, I have no idea who he was or what the taco cart was called, but shout out to him.
I made my way back inside to see there was already another band starting their set. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Clutch yet, but I yelled out, “Clutch rules!” Shockingly, no one really laughed or agreed, so I came to the conclusion this crowd was just lame. I took another couple Jägerbombs, ordered a PBR, and decided I should try to find the restroom one more time before Clutch came on. Unfortunately, I found the stairwell, ended up downstairs, and helped a guy carry a crate of Captain Morgan back up to the bar.
Now the lights dimmed, or maybe they came on? I know they were red, maybe blue… green? Whatever they were, there was clearly a band starting and I’m fairly certain it was finally time for the mighty Clutch! They opened up with “Red Alert,” or was it “Green Buckets…” “Animal Farm?” Whatever it was… I’m sure it ROCKED.
I noticed a woman next to me wearing a Clutch shirt. So I yelled to her, “Clutch! Hell Yeah!” But she didn’t seem to hear me until I yelled it louder. She walked away at that point, but maybe she just wanted to get closer to the action.
Clutch continued on and played a great set I think. Between songs I would yell “Clutch Rules!” and I feel like people really appreciated that. I think they closed with “Electric Worry,” or maybe “Earth Rocker.” It was something loud and bright and loud. Anyway, what a great show! They totally nailed it.
This article is satire.