This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
A local Doom band’s quick-thinking bassist is being heralded as a hero after saving the life of a fallen mosh pit participant at a recent show in, coincidentally, The Mosh Pitt, a tiny Pittsburgh bar with a table in the corner serving as makeshift stage.
The band, Black Space Electric Buffalo Wizard, was performing their popular single, “Captain Weed Approver,” when a mosh pit participant hit his head against somebody’s elbow and immediately fell to the floor.
Audience members tried calling for help, but the massive reverberations from the band’s latest Devil’s tritone made calling 9-1-1 impossible—and it was doubtful EMTs would be capable of providing medical attention in time with the latest Taylor Swift concert producing a massive traffic jam outside of the Mosh Pitt bar.
Fortunately, Lemmy Ozz, the band’s bassist, quickly assessed the situation and hurried to assist the concert-goer. After seeing another audience member administer CPR and fail to resuscitate the mosh pit gentleman, Lemmy Ozz pushed his bass amp off the stage directly beside the unconscious body.
“I just pushed it off so it would land as close as possible, with the amp facing him,” Lemmy Ozz explained to Slightly Fuzzed. “And then I just started playing Electric Wizard’s ‘Vinum Sabbathi.’”
The reverberations rattled the entire bar, and witnesses held their breath as Lemmy Ozz hit string after string, trying to restart the man’s heart.
“I was trying to give him as much power as possible,” Lemmy Ozz recalled. “I hit the first note as hard as I could. Nothing. Then I turned up the bass a little more, and I hit the second note. BWOOOOOONGGG. Nothing. I’m just looking down at this dude and thinking, ‘This is it. This is going to be Black Space Electric Buffalo Wizard’s last show. This is how we go out.’ And I figured, if that was the case, I’d just pretend I was actually Tim Bagshaw on Dopethrone. That’s when things turned around. I kept playing, and then I hit that second D# in the intro and—POP!—his eyes just shot open!”
The man, who has not been named, was taken to the hospital with a mild concussion and a perforated eardrum.
“Lemmy Ozz is definitely a hero,” says The Mosh Pitt manager Dickie Peterson. “Instead of paying the band one beer for each member, like we normally do, we gave them $5 for a job well done. Great work. Really saved us from a lawsuit.”
The gentleman has set up a GoFundMe campaign for financial assistance as he pays off his hospital bills. “It’s not really about covering the medical costs, per se,” the GoFundMe page says. “I’m just having a lot of trouble paying for vinyl while paying for the hospital visit. Please send me copies of early Black Sabbath and Kyuss. Please do not send anything by Electric Wizard.”
This article is satire.