This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
Finding the perfect Christmas present can be tough, so Slightly Riffed has put together the perfect holiday gift-giving guide for the van-loving, Stoner Rock-rocking man in your life.
5 – Big Muff Gas Pedal
He loves driving his big stoner van. He loves stomping on the iconic Big Muff pedal. FINALLY, he can do both at the same time! Pedal to the metal? No, metal to the pedal, my friend! You’re not truly rocking out without the Big Muff Gas Pedal. $45
4 – Proceeds the Weedian GPS System
This may look like any ordinary GPS system, but no proper stoner van is complete without the “Proceeds the Weedian GPS.” It has all the typical functions of a GPS system, but instead of that snarky GPS lady interrupting your killer tunes with that condescending “Proceed to route…,” this features Al Cisneros growling, “Proceeds the Weedian…” $95
3 – Custom Bong-Sized Cup Holders
Sometimes giving gifts at Christmas is more about giving the gifts they would never buy themselves. The true luxuries. Well, look no further than a custom bong-sized cup holder. No more spilled bong water, no more holding the bong until the next stop, and no more, “Oh shit! Did you knock over the bong, bro?” Let’s be honest, he wasn’t using both of those cup holders anyway. How many drinks does he need? $30
2 – Truckfighters Gravity X Seat Covers
Get ready for take-off! His van can now be the setting for the Stoner Rock classic, Gravity X. A peek through the windshield, and you would swear you were right there in the album cover. Just imagine “cruising in the desert, and it feels so fucking great!” Just don’t “run out of FUUUEEEEL!” $65
1 – Volume Knob Weed Grinder
If he’s a Stoner Rock fan, he doesn’t need an excuse to crank up the volume… but here’s one! Just give that old cassette player volume a twist and you’re ready to smoke. $25
Of course, these are just a small selection of gift ideas for the “Stoner Rock van guy” in your life. Follow Slightly Riffed throughout the year for lots more great gift ideas for things that are not real!
This article is satire.