This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
One local band intended on purchasing a new van and hitting the road… Instead, they wound up finding a very lucrative business. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t a band.
The local stoner rock band said they had big dreams of buying a van and loading up all of their gear and playing some gigs. The band formed in 2020 and has been playing in the drummer’s mom’s garage ever since. After years of practice, they finally had six songs together and were ready to start playing gigs all across Southern California.
They searched Facebook and Craigslist before finally finding what they thought would be the perfect van to hit the open road. The cargo area of the van seemed a little smaller than expected, but they remained optimistic.
“I’ll be honest, I was a little baked when we were checking out the van,” said the band’s guitar player. “It seemed cool to me.”
They loaded up their gear, along with an unexplainable amount of drugs and paraphernalia, and a jaw-dropping amount of snacks.
Strangely enough, as they pulled up to their first gig, they noticed a line starting to form along the passenger side. The band’s bass player, “Bonehead,” went outside and asked the first person in line what they were waiting for, to which she replied, “Munchies, bro,” and gave a laugh. A little stoned himself, Bonehead understood and proceeded to wait in line as well.
Finally, “Sticks,” the drummer, realized what was going on. “I put it all together, man. The odd shape of the van made so much more sense after I realized it was actually a food truck. The people lining up at the gig just assumed we were slinging munchies, and, dude, no one’s got the munchies like a stoner rock gig.”
“Sticks” and “Chief,” the lead singer of the band, acted fast and started handing out what they had in their truck for $5 a piece. They handed out bags of chips, cookies, candy bars, beef jerky, jars of extra chunky peanut butter, and more… so much more.
The show itself was uneventful. They set up, they played, they packed up again… but the giant wad of cash in their pockets was the real story, and frankly, something they hadn’t experienced before.
As the band sparked their traditional after-show bong, they wondered what there was to eat within their recently acquired new home, realizing it was all sold. They made their way to the closest Mini-Mart to restock, and concluded grabbing a little extra might be a good idea in case similar events transpire at the next gig.
From gig to gig, town to town, the band sold more and more and more snacks to fellow concertgoers. The band now owns a fleet of 14 trucks that travel show to show in three states selling snacks outside of different venues. They have yet to release any music at this time.
This article is satire.