This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
When 30-year-old Todd Barrett grew his first weed clones in his mom’s shed, he was just hoping to have a less expensive way to get high with the rest of his Stoner Doom band, Mt. Yeti.
But when the first crop showed visible signs of struggle, Barrett headed down to his local library for a few books on horticulture.
“Digging into those books inspired me,” Barrett told Slightly Riffed. “For once, I wasn’t thinking about Kyuss or Sleep or getting high or lugging stuff in and out of the van for the next show. I was thinking about life, man.”
After successfully treating his clones, Barrett and his band celebrated a few weeks later with a party in his mom’s shed. But instead of blazing, the crew was regaled with tales of Barrett’s struggles and triumphs as a young horticulturist.
Planting the Seeds For Bigger Things
Inspired by Barrett’s stories, the members of Mt. Yeti planted carrots, zucchini, potatoes, and (of course) more weed in large planters inside the shed.
“We talked about our options as a band,” Barrett said. “And we decided that if we were going to grow more weed, we were also going to need to grow more potatoes. And since we grew potatoes, we all chipped in for a deep fryer.”
The band quickly ran out of room inside the shed, and they found space in the local park, where small plots were available within the community garden. The band signed up for two spots, and they managed to pipe in small speakers in each corner so they could listen to “Sweet Leaf” while they worked.
Within a few days, the band formed a relationship with some of the other local gardeners—many of whom were taken by Mt. Yeti’s unique weed blend.
“Many of the other gardeners are senior citizens,” Barrett said, “and the old people love the way our weed makes their joints feel. They were quick to give us some great advice on how to grow a stronger, healthier crop!
“Sometimes, we lie in the grass next to the garden with the old people and we sing along to the speakers while looking up at the clouds in the sky: ‘Alright now! Won’t you listen?’”
Starting the Mt. Yeti Veggie Garden Club
The band eventually started the popular “Mt. Yeti Veggie Garden Club,” which currently consistents of members from the band and numerous individuals from the senior center two blocks from the park.
Gardening has been a boon to the overall health of the band, Barrett said. “Thanks to all of the vegetables we have, I’ve lost 15 pounds while recording our next album. And Mark, the bassist, switched from smoking out of glass bowls to smoking out of carrots, and he says his lungs have never felt better.”
But the very best benefit of starting their own garden, according to the band, is the cash. “We’ve become the primary supplier of potatoes to this other local stoner band that started a food truck,” Barrett said. “They have 420 different styles of loaded cheese fries, so it’s a great place to go after a show. Anyways, thanks to all that cash, we’ve really been able to expand on our collection of Big Muffs.”
This article is satire.