Stoner Rock Band Takes Name Too Seriously, Enforces Strict Positive Drug Tests For Fans

This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!

There has been some debate on whether or not the Stoner Rock moniker makes sense. For years, many bands would argue that you don’t need to be a stoner to enjoy “Stoner Rock,” and perhaps a name like Desert Rock, or Fuzz Rock, or simply Hard Rock might make more sense going forward. However, one band has taken the Stoner Rock name quite literally, and will now be enforcing a drug test policy at all upcoming shows.

Setting the Stage

This strict drug testing will require a positive test result for marijuana. Drug tests will be issued prior to each show and results will be confirmed on the spot. The band recommends getting to each venue at least two hours in advance and making sure to drink plenty of water prior. Any fans caught not being stoned will be given the opportunity to return and retake the drug test once they are in fact high, or asked to leave. As most venues do not allow smoking inside the venue, the band will take a 30-minute intermission halfway through their set in order to allow fans to step outside and smoke more if needed.

While drug testing fans has certainly been controversial, the band stands by their decision.

“You know, it’s just frustrating looking out and seeing these bright, clear eyes in the crowd,” said the band’s lead singer. “We work really hard to make music that is arguably unlistenable to the sober ear,” he continued, “and to learn that people are showing up to these shows without any weed in their system is frankly just offensive.”

The bass player also responded, “We’re a Stoner Rock band and we take that very seriously. Trust me, you’re going to need to be stoned to like our music.”

Home Sweet Home

When asked if the band was worried that fans might not be stoned when they listen to their records at home, lead guitarist responded, “Sure, that’s something that we’re concerned with. At the end of the day, you just hope that your fans understand what Stoner Rock is all about… being stoned. We’ve tossed around some ideas on what we could do to combat sober listening. Retina scanners to ensure your eyes are bloodshot before listening, kind of like unlocking your phone. Cannabis breathalyzers. We’re working on it.”

What Does the Future Hold?

One might wonder if we could see more of this trend in the future. Will more bands start to enforce similar policies within their respective genres? If you must be stoned to go to a Stoner Rock show, what’s next? You must be younger than 15 to enjoy Pop music? Your IQ must be under 75 to enjoy Country music? Maybe you have to prove how much you hate your parents to see a Nu Metal show?

There is certainly a lot to consider. Let us know your thoughts in the comments!

This article is satire.


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