Police Academy Opens Recruitment Office In Local Mosh Pit

This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!

If you notice a folding table covered in coffee, donuts, and recruitment pamphlets deep inside the mosh pit at your next metal show, don’t be alarmed. It’s just the local police academy hoping to find some new angry recruits. 

The idea was hatched by Sergeant Todd Meadows, a 20-year veteran of the local police force who’s been tasked with reversing the Academy’s declining enrollment numbers, which have been dropping steadily since the latest push for “Defund the Police.”

“We’ve been looking for more angry young white men to join the police force,” Sergeant Meadows told Slightly Riffed. “My 18-year-old kid just started going to these metal shows and was telling me about these mosh pits. I don’t know what he’s always so angry about, but I know he and his friends like punching each other at these concerts, so it seemed like a great place to start recruiting to find more angry young white men beyond Truth Social and Trump rallies.” 

So far, the results have been mixed. 

“We’ve only gone to a few shows so far,” said Sergeant Meadows, “and we’ve only really managed to hand out pamphlets to groups of nicely dressed men in leather clothes and hair they shaved all the way down so you could see the stylish lightning bolts tattooed on the side of their head. Outside of that, our pamphlets and clipboard generally get thrown across the venue floor and trampled on.” 

While most concert-goers don’t like the Police Academy’s intrusion, they’re not completely disappointed. As one Metal fan who asked to remain anonymous put it: “The tables have made it a lot easier to identify the white nationalists in the crowd, and that really helps us figure out who to target during the breakdown. Plus, the tables provide a convenient starting point if you’re trying to crowd surf, so that’s a sort of bonus.”

Although getting into the mosh pit was Sergeant Meadow’s idea, he and his team are already beginning to have second thoughts. 

“Sometimes when we’re at the shows, I feel like we’re being targeted inside the mosh pit. I’ll be explaining to someone the wonderful benefits of qualified immunity, and suddenly I’ll get drilled in the back of the head. Of course, I can never figure out who did it, but I have a feeling it’s intentional.” 

Despite the Department’s best efforts, overall recruitment numbers haven’t seen any measurable improvements in recent weeks. However, local police officers have found better compliance among the townspeople, and local Metal venues are seeing a wider range of demographics in their audiences. 

“We think local citizens believe they’ve finally found a way to legally hit cops, and they’re taking advantage of the opportunity,” Sergeant Meadow said. “If that’s going to be the case, maybe we’ll have to take to setting up recruitment offices in local boxing rings to give our members a better chance.”

This article is satire. 

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