Tragic: Local Guitarist Dies Under Avalanche After All 57 of His Guitar Pedals Fall From the Top Shelf of His Closet

This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!

Local musician Chad Broseph, the lead singer and guitarist for Stoner Doom act Electric Witchcraft, has passed away during a tragic accident, authorities say.

On Thursday, Broseph was reportedly searching for his Russian Big Muff in his bedroom closet when he accidentally pulled a weight-bearing pedal from the pile on his top shelf.

All 57 of his guitar pedals came crashing down on top of him, killing him instantly.

Tragically, this type of death isn’t uncommon in the Stoner Rock community. In fact, doctors say “crushed under old guitar pedals” is the number one cause of death among dudes who wear Sleep shirts, and it’s also the number two cause of death among women who play in C# tuning.

Broseph leaves behind an authentic Matt Pike shirt he caught at a concert, his volume knob weed grinder, and $9,000 in credit card debt, mostly from his prized Brant Bjork vinyl collection and that cool water bong he insisted on buying for his band’s practice space.

Broseph’s funeral is scheduled for 10:00 AM on Friday of this week. To honor his memory, the rest of his Electric Witchcraft bandmates will play their upcoming 32-minute lead single in its entirety before he’s buried. Humbuckers will be accepted in lieu of flowers.

This article is satire.

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